My sweet precious girls,
I was determined. I was determined to not “let it beat me”. I was determined to not let the fear take over…
Looking into the face of a doctor, a man I had come to respect, and see the fear in his eyes, (even though his mouth is saying he’s “not worried, it’s just precautionary, but there is a possibility they may want to do a biopsy or surgery”)… Well let’s just say I tried to convince myself I was imagining his fear, and if he said I shouldn’t be worried, well then, I shouldn’t.
We set up the appointment for 3 weeks later. I was o.k. I left convinced I was fine and there was nothing to worry about.
When the fear would set in, I would push it away and say, “I’m fine. I’m going to be a ‘light’ to other people I meet.” That phrase became my motto for the next three weeks.
I was determined that when I would walk into the waiting room that day, that I would seek out another woman who was full of fear and I would be her comfort. I was determined!
I wish I could say I did exactly that. Instead, I walked into the first of four waiting rooms that day, and I started to cry. I let the fear take over.
I walked into that room and saw a beautiful, bald woman. She was accompanied by a doting gentleman who, by the look on his face, had the weight of the world on him.
I wanted “to be a light”. I wanted to reach out and hug this complete stranger. I wanted to take her hand, pray with them both, and be as supportive as I possibly could be.
I sat there. Got myself under control and then the nurse called my name.
Waiting. More waiting. Exam done. Another concerned face telling me that I need another test, “just to rule things out.”
Waiting room number 2. New building. I’m sitting there filling out yet another health form. Wanting to scream at the nurse and say, “I just filled this out at the other office.” Then, in walks your Daddy.
I burst into tears. All I could say was, “What are doing here?” He smiled his calm and reassuring smile, that same smile I feel in love with on the first day I laid eyes on him. He simply said, “I want to be.” More tears, but this time the tears were because of the love shown to me.
I WANTED TO BE THAT LOVE TO SOMEONE. WHY COULDN’T I?
He came just to sit. To sit in a room and wait. He couldn’t even go to the next two waiting rooms with me. He just sat and waited.
Name called again. Now I’m in the third waiting room of the day. This time I didn’t cry. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I was distracted by another woman in the room, who I can only assume saw my fear, and decided she needed to talk to me about the weather.
Name called again. Imaging done.
4th and final waiting room. Ultrasound done and I’m sure by now you can guess what’s next…more waiting.
This time I was alone. Alone, still in the ultrasound room. Trying not to look at the 3″ long “lump” left up on the scree by the nurse. What do I do? I FINALLY pray! I finally prayed to the One who was with me the whole time! I prayed! I cried out to the One who created me and knew me. The only thing I could say was, “I know You are here with me in this room and I’m scared. I need You.”
Peace. Complete Peace. Why did I wait so long to talk to the One in control of it all?
Knock at the door, I was prepared for another concerned face. This time I saw I saw a “relieved” face. A man I had never met. A man, who I’m sure most of his days are filled with giving bad news, came into the room and said, “Why did your doctor send you here? What were his concerns?”
WHAAAAAAT?????? Why do you think I’m here? Do you not see that GIGANTIC LUMP RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN BEHIND YOU??? I’m not here for fun times!!!…all things I wanted to say, but didn’t. I calmly answered him and he responded by saying that we need to watch “the lump“, (I hate the word “LUMP” now) over the next few months, but as long as there are no changes, then I shouldn’t have to come back for any more images or tests for about 2 years.
Relief! Glorious Relief. It wasn’t cancer.
So, if I’m fine, why am I writing you this letter? What was the point of sharing my story? I thought I wasn’t fine! The thoughts that went through my head…I imagined the worst. I imagined being sick all the time. I imagined losing my hair. I imagined surgeries, and tests, and endless exams. I imagined missing out on important parts of your lives. I imagined the fear YOU would go through when heard the word “CANCER”.
The biggest reason for sharing my story…Go to the Lord WITH EVERYTHING!!!! AND, don’t wait. Don’t try to handle life on your own. YOU CAN’T! You NEED Him! Go to Him. Tell Him everything! Tell Him the good and bad. Tell Him your fears. He’s always ready to listen, you just need to talk!
Just like Pastor R. said this week in church, “We are creatures of time. This is all we know. Life here. Life now. If you are going THROUGH it, God ordained it. Press on. He will get you through it and in the meantime-REJOICE ALWAYS! Give thanks IN all circumstances. Not FOR the circumstance, but IN them.” (Why, oh why, couldn’t I have been reminded of these things months ago.)
He is there, WAITING on us to talk to Him. Don’t make Him wait too long. Talk to Him now!