How to stop the “MALE SPOUSE SNORE”

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I have been married to and slept next to the same man for almost 15 years.  I have created and perfected a 5 step process to help ANYONE rid their male spouse of snoring by following these simple steps.

Snores ranging from the “rhythmic sigh” all the way to the “neighbors from 4 streets down are calling” volume can be quieted by these steps.

Step 1

“The Pillow Pull”

Slowly and carefully pull the male spouse’s pillow TOWARD you.  This will cause the male spouse’s head to turn AWAY from you.  Caution, should only be used when the male spouse is lying on his back.  Any other position could cause smothering of the male spouse.

Step 2

“The Bed Bounce”

The purpose of this move to stir the spouse from his slumber just enough for him to change positions.  The best way to perform this “bed bounce” move is to lie on your stomach with your hands at your side. Next you sort-of inch yourself forward while at the same time moving your body up and down; just like a worm…it might feel more like a beached whale move.  When the male spouse stirs just fluff your pillow and act as if you were changing positions.

Step 3

“The Elbow Jab”

Softly nudge the male snoring spouse with your elbow.  Either in the ribs or arms.  This slight jolt usually causes the snore to stop for a brief moment, hopefully allowing you enough time to fall asleep.  There are other forms of the “elbow jab”, such as the “finger in the ear”, or my personal favorite, the arm pit hair pull.

Step 4

“The Log Roll”

This one took some time to master, so don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work the first time.

Turn your body sideways in the bed.  Place one foot on the hip of the male spouse, and one foot on the ribs. (CAUTION, your feet must be warm.  Icy feet to the ribs of the male spouse snorer will only cause a jolt out of the bed.)   Ever so slightly start moving your feet and roll “the log” toward the edge of the bed.  Most male spouses will wake before falling off the bed, but if he happens to fall out the bed, compose yourself, and have a look of SHOCK AND CONCERN as to why your spouse has fallen out bed for the 4th time that night.  

Step 5

“The NyQuil Coma”

 When the snoring CAN’T be stopped, the last and final recourse is a sleep aid.  I like NyQuil or ZzzQuil.  You take 1 dose of it, and in minutes you should be falling asleep while your male spouse snores away, and drift into the “NyQuil coma”.  “NyQuil. The night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so- you-can-rest medicine.”     Should be relabeled as the “the night-time snore, harsh sounds, soft sighs, trying not to smother your spouse in the pillow medicine.”

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